The Wisdom in You
You awaken yet again feeling like a misfit. Everyone else seems to have it so together- at least according to Facebook! The thought crosses your mind –'maybe I need help, someone to talk to?’ (Background sound in your brain of horse chariot screeching to a halt, which now morphs into sirens wailing in your head...then over the intercom (yes in your head!) “Warning…Warning…Warning!”
And I grab my bling pen and my trusty journal and I write.
Can I tell you about my experiences with life coaches? #lifecoachesarescary. Believe it or not, I am actually an accredited life coach after taking my 10 day quickie-coach course. Yup- apparently I am qualified! Let me begin by this. I’ve never seen a more dubious form of helping others- dubious in the fact that most self-proclaimed life coaches have no more training than I. I spent ten days (and $1400.00) on a ridiculous telephone course, which a life-coach put together. Granted she was no dummy! Her claim to fame was dating a famous Hay House author thirty years her senior and granted, I would have dated him too! But he’s gone now, may he rest in peace. I loved his books. They changed the way I looked at things…and the things I looked at changed.
She was my very first life coach- let’s call her Sunny. Sunny was never sad or depressed EVER. Does this sound real to you? Cuz it did not feel real to me. But in any case Sunny and I would sit and talk every couple of weeks for $100 a session and the interesting thing was she talked as much as-maybe more-than me. It was really more like 2 girlfriends talking…where one girlfriend paid the other $100. But really, I felt more like a fan. I was going through a bad separation with my 8–year-old daughter in tow and man being happy looked inviting! And to be honest her happy vibe was infectious- I did feel happy once every couple of weeks! But looking back I’m thinking co-dependence. I watched and listened as she broke off with her amazing dolt-mate partner, whom while she was with, was apparently “the most amazing guy ever!!!” Until they broke up. Then he was the “biggest jerk ever!” Everything seemed to be hot or cold with her. Anyways eventually she told me she was raising her rates to $150. I said sorry I can’t afford that and she said, “don’t worry, you can owe me- I trust you.” I could owe her? I could extend myself financially for her happiness injection? Now it was beginning to feel like some sort of drug pusher/addict situation. I was able to sever my Sunny addiction…moving on.
Next I met another ‘life coach’, this one even scarier. She was beautiful. And she was attracting many clients because her confidence and her physical appearance made her seem larger than life. She did retreats- so I went to several. I too was smitten. I’m not gay but my mother was a stunning-looking woman and some how I’ve always been drawn to the beautiful people, even though I somehow know that what’s on the inside often does not match what’s on the outside. Well this gorgeous creature invited me to be on her team of coaches! What me?? OMG. Then every time I tried to be in touch with her- she told me she was way to important to deal with my questions, like- "what exactly is my job? When do I get paid?" and to deal with her assistant. I knew something was rotten in Denmark and I called her on it. Boom! Assistant fired me from literally, a dream job. MY head was now more screwed up from these two people than it was before I met either of them. I was on a path- but uncertain where it was leading.
Still doubting my self, and feeling needy as ever for insight, I met an old acquaintance/ friend (We had met briefly at a Jewish Study group) who was training to be a life coach. I’m not sure how you become accredited this field (except for a 10 day quickie course) but she was taking course in Gestalt. I’m sure that made her more accomplished and life-coach savvy than I. I was teaching an art camp for adults and she came to one of my creative weeks. She loved painting and I still felt I needed help, but really, looking back, I think I wanted to be friends with this popular and seemingly super wise woman- so we did an exchange. I would give her a place to paint and she would be my place for needy dependence. Seemed like a good deal, right?
Well at first it worked out wonderfully. Let’s call her Coach Flower. Flower was like an aging hippy with long flowing golden hair, cool hippy clothing and a motherly kindness blended with the over-confidence of a very entitled upbringing. I was attracted to all of this! While I may have had an upper middle class childhood, my family was like a house of crazy adult children raising confused children children- confused because there were no real adults around. It wasn’t their fault. They came from a generation where you did what society expected of you. You got married before 25 and immediately had children- with zero parenting experience- and their parents did not know how to be parents either but I digress off the path of this story. Everyone is doing the best they can-my go-to explanation.
So coach Flower had things I wanted. She had beauty. She had confidence. She had a family who supported her and children who loved her. She had a swimming pool and a very successful partner. All surface things that I believed made her someone I could learn from. I mean she manifested my dream life- maybe she could help me manifest it right? Wrong.
Flower was all about the truth...”let’s talk about your truth. Is that True? Tell me what’s true…” The problem was she was not exactly living in her own truth, more of an illusion of truth. Let me give you a few examples. Flower could not live without her anti-depressants. Here I was trying to create a raw life being myself- an over-emotional creative hot mess and she was cheating. She was afraid to be all of herself- so she kept it under control- so she could be who every one else wanted her to be. I’m trying to learn to accept and love myself with someone who is faking same. More clues began to appear before me in the way of how I felt.
I’ve never totally trusted the way I feel because I am so highly sensitive and people in my family have always told me- I’m too sensitive- so maybe these feeling and hunches…maybe I’d best ignore them, and I did.
On the one hand, coach Flower invited me to swim in her pool and we had these talks that made me feel connected to God- there it is again, that drug-like feeling of connection. A few moments where nothing was wrong and I was in the womb of her warmth. But stuff was happening that I really felt was uncool. She would ask me to help her with her web site…and then ask someone else to help her (she knew and respected more) and use their work. She began taking a painting course with another woman. Now I know maybe I sound like a weird possessive girlfriend or something- but what bothered me was she was hiding this from me initially. I understood her desire to explore her creative side, but imagine I began seeing another life coach…just to explore the different facets of my screwed up head- and did not tell her…in retrospect maybe it’s something I should have considered. Anyways she did this gorgeous painting, which was nothing like anything she painted with me. She admitted that this woman ‘guided’ her. She hung the painting over her fire place in her living room. Her family loved this painting and she claimed it was hers. This was not entirely true. There is no way she could paint this on her own. I know because I watched her paint every other week. She struggled. And the struggle was good- it kept her humble. She was willing to lie to enhance how other’s saw her.
Here’s my truth. Through all of this I saw my need to be someone other than myself. I saw myself willing to compromise my feelings to be connected to others. I’m saw an addictive quality- to a type of connection that was unhealthy. I’m saw my lack of love and acceptance of myself- this crazy courageous and creative soul. And this was really worth looking at. And this was my work. It would be impossible to do this with any one else, as I felt I would immediately go down the co-dependent road again.
But here’s what I really want to say to you. Don’t be fooled by the outside world. Don’t be seduced by the swimming pools and overconfidence of the wealthy. Don’t throw your baby (you) out with the bath water. The moment you thing someone has something that you want- really check in with yourself, because what I’m going to tell you here might be life changing. This life you have created- it’s yours. Cherish it. Don’t think for a second that you would like to trade it in for someone else’s because every single person you meet has something they struggle with. The connection you build with your own inner life- your spirit- that is yours and it’s special and it’s right for you. No glowing happy person, or Flowing hippy beauty, or movie star or celebrity of any sort can help you create your best life. They are too busy creating their own. And your best life; trust me- co-dependence will not help you discover it.
But here’s what will. Be true to yourself. Trust your feelings implicitly. Create a Journal for your feelings. Write about the darkness, be self-absorbed and then write from a higher perspective. Learn to be your own BEST friend. Don’t be seduced by the golden calf, and by that I mean don’t for a second believe that your happiness will grow with material gain. Synthesize your happiness. Put together one part of your past experience, add one part of your present moment experience, one part of something you love to do and then add some nature time. The past experience will give you wisdom and knowledge. The present moment will awaken you. Creativity will help you download your divine purpose and nature; well that is always a soothing balm. Voila! A potion for feeling good! You only need one or two really good friends who love and accept you exactly as you are. Stop comparing yourself to others. Putting others down to feel better can only work for about 5 seconds. If you feel jealous about something that someone else has- figure out how you can create the essence of it in your own life.
Let me tell you about the truth. You will only know it when you live it- your life will feel right. And no one…no one can tell you how YOUR best life should look.
A simple life of living and loving can be one of the very best lives ever lived.
You know exactly what is best for you. Now listen to and honour your self.
If you are feeling really depressed from possible early life trauma- I do feel a good therapist is called for- but make sure you feel 100% comfortable with your selection. Always, always- trust what you feel.
Certified Liver of Life