When You Wake Up

When You Wake Up…

Dreams and illusions can feel good.    But here’s the thing about a dream. Every person, every event is experienced from one perspective only- the dreamers. And when the dreamer wakes up- the reality can be harsh

I’ve woken up- and it’s a tough thing to realize that I’m not where I thought I was. 

I realized something about myself- in this awakening- something kind of tough. But I’m glad I’m awake because, I’m not sure illusions are the way to go.

  Oh… I’m still a dreamer in the traditional sense- I still believe that anything is possible and  I’m a hopeful romantic, and I believe in goodness.

But I’ve begun to see my role in the dysfunction of certain relationships- I’ve discovered that I have chosen to see people as I’ve needed them to be- not necessarily how they are. 

OK right here- I will tell you the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.

In a healthy relationship there is a slightly shifting balance between giving and receiving…both occurring from a healthy sense of self-worth and boundaries

In an unhealthy relationship this balance has been lost and healthy sense of self dissolves and codependence arises based upon fear and need…often when one partner retreats.  Abandonment issues surface and healthy self-boundaries become ignored.

This dynamic often happens s l o w l y.

There is a honeymoon phase in every relationship.  And then… over time… you notice little things that feel unhealthy- but you cast them off- because the good far outweighs the bad.  And you begin to ignore your feelings- thinking- ‘no, that can’t be right.  It’s me- my head is screwed up…but why do I feel so bad?   Oh it’s nothing…I’m pms…Just having a bad day…and you feel this need…and emptiness that you believe can only be filled in your connection with another.

It becomes harder to ‘not see’ certain truths.  The dynamic has changed and you’re still trying- really hard-to keep it the same…but they’re not.  And instead of stepping back- you shoot forward and try harder…and for a moment it feels like the dream again…yay- because now you really believe you can’t live without this person and the truth is- this person can live with out you- no problem…

    To be honest –working really, really, hard to be loved feels familiar and so does being blind to your own value.  This is a common thread we co-dependents have- being totally unaware of our own worth- and having a distorted sense of having to ‘win’ someone’s love.

  And the moment we wake up…on the floor- with the harsh realization of an illusion we created- then we can begin the work- the work of really paying attention to how we don’t value ourselves so we can make some changes. 

   Every moment alone is opportunity for self -discovery, self-compassion, self-love.

And there might be a massive letting go of relationships that have not felt quite right.  And there might be- for a time- a huge vacant place in your heart- in your life- but just lean into that too.  It’s like this plant I have- it was full of dead leaves and brown unhealthy stems- so I cut the whole damn thing back…and for a long time I worried that nothing would grow back…but plants have a strong root system and so do you.   And this week I saw one tiny –super healthy leaf sprout and I know eventually the whole plant will come back stronger and healthier.

   This is what happens when we make these same choices.  When we choose friends that are as eager to hang out with us, as we are to hang out with them.  When we take the time- regularly to assess how WE FEEL in any relationship- when we are really honest with ourselves and take the time we need to get to know someone- it really does take time you know.

   And if we feel the shift happening…we step back rather than rush forward…we stay in balance- because that’s what healthy relationships call for- balance.

We look within to fill our needs- not ‘out there’.

And then…somehow it becomes OK if they don’t like you as much as you like them…or you don’t like them as much as they like you…you just step back.

  Every day brings on fresh perspective- new growth, miracles.

I love what author Tosha Silver says- “Let whatever wants to come-come and whatever wants to go-go”.

    Pay attention to how you feel and even more importantly- if you’re in a relationship with someone who does not respect how you feel- cut that leaf off!!

I know it’s sometimes easier said than done…I think the sooner you can pinch yourself awake the better.  And really pay attention- are you coming from a place of being empty, or a place of being full.   And please= never put anyone on a pedestal.  Humans have their shadow.  Become aware and accepting of your own.

This is far better than the dream.

xoxox   Sharron    www.sharronkatz.com  

  

Both paintings are available and for sale.  The upper painting is called Compassion- 30" x 40"  acrylic on canvas with silver leaf.   The bottom painting is called Friendship it is 36" x 18"  acrylic and silver leaf.   For more info message me at sharronkatz@gmail.com