I’ve been going through so much internally lately…as my
outer world is shifting. it’s been a
very difficult time.
I made a huge move. It was more as if a powerful wave came in
and lifted me out of my existing life…I allowed it to carry me into the unknown-and
having landed on completely foreign shores, I’ve been feeling knocked about by
all these little waves, and questioning everything in my life. (Especially my sanity!)
Being a single mom has been one of the toughest and also one
of the most poignant journeys. I don’t
recommend it, but then most of us single moms are not at this destination by
choice. I know we all had dreams of
giving our kids those beautiful Kodak moments- with large festive family
holidays and two loving parents proudly encouraging them forward in their
path. But our life learning seldom comes
in ways we expect.
Being a single
parent is quite different. In a way, you
become both a masculine and a feminine force in your child’s life. If you have only one child- like myself-you
do become best friends-not in a restrictive needy way, but in a way where the
memories you build are of you and them…a small, really fun family unit.
The teen years have been tough- I’m certain quite
normal, but for me, the single mom with one kid- really hard. My beautiful girl had to gain her
individuality and independence; I get all that stuff- it didn’t make it
easy. I became background
cast…transportation coordinator…wardrobe assistant if necessary…but the hardest
part was implementing some respect and discipline. That was hell. If we fought, she ran to her dad’s home where
he welcomed her with open arms…and suddenly it was like dealing with two
rebellious teenagers who hated their parent…
My ex was like the
anti-parent. He was happy to side with
my daughter, to see me as the bitch…have his disregard for me
affirmed. It was confirmation that his departure was warranted. And as far as a test on my own strength- you know what doesn't kill you make you stronger? Meh…I
failed and I crumbled, quietly- by myself.
So around
March of last year I began dreaming. What could a different life look like? Where
would I like to be? how could I create something to sustain me as I moved into
the next part of my life…and one day I saw an ad for real estate in Stratford. “Buy a house for $12,500 down". I could do
that! I had some money saved…I could do
that eventually! I truly thought I would
see Aaron through at least her first year of university and then she would
possibly want to move in with friends. I even thought when the time was right
they could have the apartment we were living in and I would maybe buy a house
somewhere outside of Toronto.
A few days after my birthday-early June, my daughter announced
she was going to live with her dad in the fall- she had made her decision. I felt hurt…shocked, angry–but maybe it was
just fear. Fear of not knowing who I was
outside my role as mom. Oh sure, I’m an
artist and a songwriter/singer…but my sense of self – my greatest role had derived form being her mom- that’s where I felt I belonged. I had felt a sense of family I had never known-
a great comfort. For 18 years, every
decision I made was based upon being her mom- giving her the best I could. And my greatest fear…that she would leave.. was
happening. But this time it was different- teenagers have to leave, it’s their
job- to individuate, to become their own person.
And I was left to ponder a HUGE question- what did I want?
( and by the way- I m still trying to figure this out)
That week of
pondering,sadness, anger…feeling helpless at the inevitable shifting of life, I
made the decision to meet up with a real estate agent in Stratford. He was a very kind and sweet young man and he
showed me 8 houses and gave me a bit of a Stratford tour. I fell in love with the 8th
house and with Stratford. It felt familiar, with a huge
enclosed backyard, I could envision my elderly dog chasing squirrels, and the large mature maple in the back had a
tree house and a swing! I could see grand children playing here one day. It had a large main floor bedroom- with
three upstairs bedrooms which made it perfect for creating some sort of B and B…and
spirit whispered, “yes.”
The next three
weeks were like a blur- the purchase of this house came together in a miraculous way, and my closing date was set for August 11th. I decided to move the following month; making sure Aaron was moved and calmly transitioned. I did my last show in TO and moved September 24th.
And here I am
now…6 months later…upon these new shores…exploring…feeling very lonely…missing
mother hood in ways that make my heart ache…still trying to figure out where I
am…loving my home…missing my musical friends and community…loving living in a
smaller town with no traffic or speed bumps, loving that it takes me 5 minutes
to get anywhere…loving the swans…missing my favourite breakfast haunts…lying
in bed Friday nights watching Netflix and eating Chinese with my kid…missing UB
with Linda, jams with Brian, and Roy…shows at Hirut…guitar with Dave, recording
with Myke…slowly making new friends here…but feeling frightened and nervous
sometimes- maybe expecting too much too soon…
It’s all a jumble right now, I feel uncertain of everything-
mostly about myself.
It feels like learning walk again, I'm wobbly as heck, but there’s
no cheering section - I guess maybe that's part of my learning- to become my own cheerleader...Go Sharron?
People say I’m
courageous…maybe I’m stupid…right now, I’m unsure.
All I know is I hopped on a wave-
xox Sharron
The wave painting is still available for sale. The above painting is part of the Spring It On Collection. Please visit www.sharronkatz.com to view affordable Floral paintings- perfect for Mother's day!
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